College English Forum

A forum for students in Derek Brown's Comm1007 class
 
HomeHome  CalendarCalendar  FAQFAQ  SearchSearch  MemberlistMemberlist  UsergroupsUsergroups  RegisterRegister  Log in  

Share | 
 

 Someone help.. Peer review :)

Go down 
AuthorMessage
shathu699



Posts : 17
Join date : 2012-09-24

PostSubject: Someone help.. Peer review :)   Wed Dec 05, 2012 2:43 pm

Hey i have posted my intro and conclusion below, just need some help.. wondering if i go deeper into detail within my conclusion and if anyone has any suggestions, Thanks everyone Smile

Intro

Numerous third world countries such as Kenya, Somalia, Egypt, and Mali have alarmingly high rates of female genital mutilation (FGM) present. This surgery has become a tradition within cultures and almost always has consequences. During the operation the labia majora to be cut and sown together, the extent of the sow depends on the religion/ cultural request. More recently this practice has been brought to the attention of many law forces within countries such as Indonesia and the practice has been abolished. Although there is a lot more awareness of this ongoing problem there are still many countries where it is still prominent. Since many of the surgeries are done in private and secrecy it hard to know the exact number of operations done per year, as well as all of the complications that follow. Female genital mutilation has been outlawed in many countries due to the immense amount of health related complications such as, immediate and long term effects as well as death.

Conclusion

Female genital mutilation is becoming increasing more dangerous as the awareness of the issue spreads. The botched surgery is being performed in even poorer quality environments due to the level of secrecy needed. FGM violates act 3 and 5 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Act 3 states that ‘everyone has the right to life, liberty and security of person’ (United Nations, 2012), this right is being taken away when these young girls are being forced through a painful surgery with a high risk of death. Act 5 states that ‘no one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment’ this right is being taken away for the reason that female circumcision is a cruel and excruciating operation performed with little or no anesthetic. It is inhuman especially because the woman is not given a choice. This surgery is an overall step back in the evolution of human rights and the safety of women.

Thanks again Smile Much appreciated!
Back to top Go down
View user profile
jsco.ellis



Posts : 5
Join date : 2012-12-02

PostSubject: Re: Someone help.. Peer review :)   Wed Dec 05, 2012 2:57 pm

It's seems like you have it down pretty nicely.
You have a general topic in your intro, and then specify the controlling idea in the conclusion about human rights and whatnot. Maybe be a little more specific in the conclusion if anything.

Also the sentence "During the operation the labia majora to be cut and sown together, the extent of the sow depends on the religion/ cultural request." Seems odd to me.

Good stuff though!
Back to top Go down
View user profile
 
Someone help.. Peer review :)
Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Contract Termination and Review Committee composition
» Life review after death?
» Review of exoplanet detection methods
» review about sangeet kedia for subjects of CS final
» Innocent looking hell bears - the funniest review I've ever read

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
College English Forum :: Peer Review & Project Posting-
Jump to: