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EstMon802



Posts : 5
Join date : 2012-09-15

PostSubject: looking for peer review   Tue Nov 27, 2012 11:06 pm

hey guys

so I've started my essay and I thought I would post a piece of my essay.
my essay will be on the negative effects of corporal punishment. this is what I have for my intro so far ( I feel like I need to add more in my intro). Let me know what you think.... I need all the help I can get Smile

The negative effects of corporal punishment

A relationship between a child and their parent is very critical in the development and success of the child. As the parent, adults have the most influence on their child. In society we commonly see parents play the superior role, while the child plays the inferior role. Parents are to teach their child right from wrong, good from bad, and other basic components of life while children are expected to obey their parents and respect their wishes. But what happens when the child chooses not to obey their parents? How should that child be punished? The practice of Corporal punishment is common amongst Canadians due to Canada’s multicultural population. Augments has arose questioning corporal punishment as an effective mean of punishment. The content of this essay will demonstrate a variety of negative effects corporal punishment may have on a child.
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bramon643



Posts : 34
Join date : 2012-09-10
Location : Toronto

PostSubject: Re: looking for peer review   Wed Nov 28, 2012 12:16 am

Hi there,

In class it was recommended that we write the body before tackling the intro or conclusion. That way you can be sure that what you are alluding to in your introduction is relevant to the rest of your essay. Perhaps you have already done that and you are just posting the intro. A couple of suggestions from me would be:

cut the word very from the first sentence. The word criticalalready adds weight to your argument.

Augments
should be Arguments

effective mean of punishment
should be effective means of punishment

A relationship between a child and their parent is very critical in the development and success of the child
Maybe find a way to not use the word child twice in this sentence.

I am no expert but I hope that helps!
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EstMon802



Posts : 5
Join date : 2012-09-15

PostSubject: Re: looking for peer review   Wed Nov 28, 2012 8:37 pm

Thank you so much for you time. I'll defiantly make those corrections. thanks again Smile
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shathu699



Posts : 17
Join date : 2012-09-24

PostSubject: Re: looking for peer review   Wed Dec 05, 2012 2:46 pm

I like the topic, I just feel that you should have your "hook" flow better into whats being talked about in your essay. Somehow maybe give some idea of the sub topics discussed in your paper. I also think it would be a little more formal if you didn't write "discussed in this essay". Over all good work, Good luck Smile
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jsco.ellis



Posts : 5
Join date : 2012-12-02

PostSubject: Re: looking for peer review   Wed Dec 05, 2012 3:02 pm

I agree with the above statement, also I'm not sure why but asking the questions in your paragraph to the audience sticks out as wrong to me...perhaps re-form it into a statement? Otherwise, great subject and good luck :-)
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