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 Irene Worrell's first draft

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iremon423



Posts : 18
Join date : 2012-09-10

PostSubject: Irene Worrell's first draft   Wed Oct 03, 2012 10:03 pm

Hi All

Here's the first 2 paragraphs for my narrative essay. Let me know what you think.

Brad and Debbie looked like they were the picture perfect couple. They dated since they were 15 years old and married when they turned 18 and after 3 years of married life, Keith was born. However, life for the young family was tough. Like many other couples they were having their fair share of financial issues. Brad was having trouble finding work and didn’t know where his next paycheck was coming from and Debbie worked full time at the local Dominion grocery store to make ends meet. They often fought about their bills which happened to be late more often then on time and it was usually Debbie who would pick up the phone and negotiate with the landlord and their creditors. On a clear morning late in the summer, the young family was up early and lucky Brad had found work for the next couple weeks helping a friend out with a construction job and was already gone to make some hard earned money. Debbie was running about 5 minutes behind her normal schedule and needed to get Keith dropped off for the day and get to work. Hopefully with a little extra speed she can make up some time.

The side road she drove was so familiar to her that she thought she might be able to drive it in her sleep. The only exception would be the valley where the train tracks were. There was no lights or trip arm that would warn of an oncoming train and most of the time there was plenty of visibility to see an oncoming train. However, this late in the summer when the corn stocks are almost ready to harvest, Debbie would normally stop before the tracks to make sure the coast was clear but this particular morning Debbie was so distracted that she headed full speed into the valley towards the tracks not realizing a train was approaching. As she came upon the train tracks she heard the loudest and most gruesome crunching sound and then everything went black. In a split second the train conductor was on the phone with a 911 dispatcher and within 10 minutes, the paramedics were at the scene. The impact of the collision had thrown Debbie from the car but the paramedics where quick to find her, stabilize her and get her into the ambulance and on their way to the nearest hospital.

All feedback is appreciated Very Happy

Thanks!

Please note: I've edited to separate the paragraphs so they are easier to read. Final essays must be in essay style - using indents to indicate paragraph breaks only. Post one paragraph per thread to avoid confusion and to allow for a greater concentration on each paragraph. Thanks. Derek
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rebmon177



Posts : 28
Join date : 2012-09-10

PostSubject: Re: Irene Worrell's first draft   Tue Oct 09, 2012 5:23 pm

hey. i used the "quad method" as i read your paragraphs.
here is what came out of that:

grammar/mechanics
6

paragraphs (content/structure)
par1, sentence 2
par2, sentence 1

paragraph revision
par1

full text revision
N

i hope this helps. goodluck with your essay!
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Irene Worrell's first draft
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